August 1, 2015 - Game Recap

Paul & Pace vs. James & Bluth
Score: 25-14
Location: Butler Holmes Park (Arlington, VA)

With a rare U.S. appearance by Saudi Arabian legend, James Lambert, we figured it was a great time to squeeze in some Saturday wiffle action.

Since it just felt right to have it be older brother generation vs. younger brother generation we dispensed with the custom of hitting for teams, and instead hit for longest ball to see who would bat first.  Paul and I outclobbered Bluth and James by a longshot which kind of set the tone for the James and Adam mantra of them doing the little things to win ballgames.  "Don't you guys wish you were as good at doing the little things." "Maybe when you guys are older you'll know it's all about the little things."  And so on and so forth.

Bluth took the mound in the first (but only for part of it -- James took the mound for about 2 pitches somewhere in there; gave up a long single, and ceded the mound back to Bluth), making the arrogant pronouncement early on that he was the only one in the league that ever played high school baseball.  We (Paul mostly) managed to knock them around a bit for 5 runs, and in the process breaking in the field with its first extra-base hits, including a homerun in the nature reserve.

But to their credit they roared right back with a 9-run inning in the bottom half of the frame.  In the first pitch James faced he saw one come in a little high and outside and pelted it straight back to centerfield.  James, Paul had just warned me, was having a post-career resurgence, as all the Lambert brothers could attest from their recent family reunion in Idaho.  As they batted around they bantered about high school friends, 90's music, "little things", various vulgarities, and some other inane James commentary involving references to things like Seal and Giselle in the same sentence.  But to his credit he also compared Rae (my 4-yr-old daughter who was standing like a statue near the home-run line wearing a bright pink hat) to Glenn Close in The Natural, and then proceeded to hit a grandslam right in her direction.

But the challenge for their team on this steamy August afternoon would be endurance.  I guess lack of focus would be another challenge for them.  And for that matter you could add despondence to the list.  As Paul's and my bats continued to heat up, with such feats as answering Bluth's taunts of, "I dare you to hit it in my direction" with a next-pitch 3-run jack right over his head, and wailing one over the yellow fence into the basketball court (a Butler Holmes Park first), their bats only seemed to cool down.  While Paul and I added 20 runs to our total over the next few innings they would put up only 5 more runs over the course of the game, but a few of those had asterisks with things like grounding out to the pitcher but claiming that it was a foul ball, batting out of order but accusing us of being weenies, etc.  Maybe this was what they meant by the little things.

And I assume that the little things philosophy only applied on offense, since they had a rough spell of dropping several easy popups, including one where James, as he chased back from the mound while Bluth charged in, hurriedly hollered out at the last second  "You got it!", which Bluth interpreted as "Got it!".  Bluth requested that going forward James not use the words "got it!" in a case where he was not going to make a play on the ball, and James suggested that he just say, "Got it!" for plays where he wanted Bluth to get the ball, and "I got it!" for plays where he would try to catch the ball.  A couple more possibilities were tossed out by James but they never seemed to reach a consensus.  All that being said, however, James did surprise us all when there was a deep fly to the outfield that we were all certain was going to drop for a hit once he started having to maneuver around the outfield bench and awkwardly negotiate his way up the hill, but he made a diving grab to snatch it for an out.

By the end of the 3rd we were running a bit short on time and we proposed making it a 4-inning game only (to which Bluth too-hastily agreed).  In that final 4th inning they had all the right phrases (e.g. "x number of runs is like a freethrow in basketball.") but the body language just wasn't there.  When we ran out of balls to pitch with since they had all piled up either in homerun or foul territory, but no one on their side was bothering to throw them back into play, that told you everything you needed to know.

Game Highlights

• Paul dubbed the homerun nature reserve spot (or rather he allowed me to dub it for him), "The Sierra Club Nature Reserve"
• 3 motions were made with the following outcomes
• Motion to name the triple bench in centerfield, 'Bartman Bench' for always getting in the way when you need to catch a pop-up
• Motion upheld 3-1
• Motion to make the yellow border of the homerun fence be a 2x homer (with the add-on that it be applied retroactively for the benefit of the James and Bluth team)
• Motion struck down 2-2
• Motion to make the tree in centerfield a triple-tree (with the add-on that the James and Bluth team receive some random bonus that I can no longer recall)
• Motion struck down 2-2
• James and Adam accused me of having an ESPN 'Body Mag' poster of Bryce Harper in my bedroom.  This joke morphed into us making plans for a 'Skin Edition' 2016 calendar of all the wiffle greats.  
• James and Bluth successfully used sabermetrics as well as old-school scouting reports to shift around the field on defense depending on the situation.  (For example, you can see below that in the early innings they played shallow outfield, and later on they played deep outfield, particularly with the James "highball" in play.)

The Bluth slider

The James "highball"

Editors Note (8/10/15): A previous version of this post incorrectly excluded the Bartman Bench motion and inadvertently omitted a game highlight regarding the 'Skin Edition' calendar.

Game report by Pace Barker

November 28, 2014 - Game Recap

Paul & Pace vs. A-Man & R. Paul
Score: 11-10
Location: Butler Holmes Park (Arlington, VA)

In the wake of the November 19th 90-minute moment of silence to remember the inauguration of Founding Fathers Field before it was brutally hacked to shreds, we figured it was time to come to grips with reality and get back on the field.  Due to some great reconnaissance work by Paul we discovered a most-adequate plot of land that we're hopeful will serve nicely for years to come, and will avoid the plague of trailers that seems to be going around.

The likely replacement field for the now deceased Founding Fathers Field.

With the rarely-used R. Paul getting called up for some last-minute action, it was Paul & Pace who looked to be the favorites on this chilly, windy day in Arlington.

The first inning started off with the pitchers having an upper hand, with both pitchers (A-Man and Pace) tossing perfect innings for their respective teams.

As the innings wore on and the layers (which included bike gloves, ski goggles, and a 'Beardo' attachment) came off, the bats started to come to life, though with a fair share of wind to contend with.

R. Paul showed some grit early on by showing a willingness to crowd the plate which resulted in several bean balls and got him a couple of walks.

By the end of the 2nd inning A-Man & R. Paul were up 4-1 thanks to some scrappy play.

In the 3rd Paul & Pace loaded the bases but managed to drive in only one run, while A-Man & R. Paul tacked on another 4 runs.  R. Paul had a hilarious streak of singles that came in just about every way imaginable (right- and left-field slow rollers, right- and left-field medium-strength grounders, up-the-middle grounders, halfway popups that were just beyond the pitcher's reach and just shallow enough that a diving outfielder couldn't get to it).  Witnessing the repeated combination of the tantalizingly slow wiffle ball juxtaposed with the chaotic flurry of the unsuccessful fielders was just too hilarious after about the 6th occurrence, and after Paul & I nearly dove into each other trying to catch one of these balls we both had a fit of laughter for about 10 seconds laying there on the ground, the innocent white ball there between us.

The 4th inning was a little more of the same; A-Man & R. Paul running their lead up to 10-3.

Paul & Pace decided to bear down in their final inning, and with the combination of some decent hitting, help from the wind (one pop-up was headed straight for the outfield and then lifted up and ended up landing about 2 feet away from the pitcher), and help from the blinding sun (a dinky foul pop-up managed to touch down without a play from A-Man), were able to put up 8 runs to take a 1-run lead and be in a position to close out the game.  With all the momentum now on their side, Pace & Paul were able to close out the game without much drama.

Game Highlights

• In convening on Veitch St. before the game Paul reported on the comical site of A-Man running down the street in only his gym shorts, flip-flops, and undershirt hauling his trashcan, hurrying to catch the garbage man on his Friday morning route. 
• This was the first game in a long time in which no extra base hits occurred.  It must have been fate too because A-Man had a good hit to straightaway center that had the triple bench in its cross-hairs but somehow managed to glide right through the narrow slits for a long single.
• Pace was able to frequently channel his inner Byun Hun Kim by dipping down on his pitching delivery for some good sidearm submariners but with only modest success.
• It took Paul until his 4th plate appearance before even making contact with a ball.

Game Report by Pace Barker

R.I.P. Founding Fathers Field - The Nineteenth of November, Two Thousand and Eleven, Anno Domini, to the Twenty Third of July, Two Thousand and Fourteen, Anno Domini

"(1/2) In an unsuccessful attempt to knock on Paul's door (resulting in a confused Wally), I realized I should text this. The wiffle field known as Founding Fath(2/2) ers Memorial park, has two very large portable classrooms sitting on it. The scene is horrific exhibited by the foul pole table being slightly askew" 

"(1/2) We deserved a hearing at least with Arlington County Board before they made such a mistake - deprivation of wiffle life, liberty, and property without due(2/2)  process under the fourteenth and fourth amendments. I guess the Gil Tyree dues don't buy quite the lobbying clout it once did." 
-Text from A-Man, 7/23/14

It started with the July 23 text sequence from A-Man, and was confirmed today on my routine check-in on the grounds: The Founding Fathers Field has a giant trailer covering basically the entire field.

Mayhem.
"Behold now behemoth...; he eateth grass as an ox." (Job 40:15)

How these proceedings took place without the Gil Tyrees' involvement or consent is a legal atrocity for the ages.  The impact on the current and future generations of D.C. area wifflers is hard to fathom -- I get queasy just thinking about it.

The sheer injustice of it all has spawned a meme phenomenon on the Internet of a trailer being superimposed on significant landmarks to help draw comparisons of the true impact of this horrific occurrence.  

January 20, 2014 - Game Recap

Paul & Bluth vs. A-Man & Pace
Score: 13-16
Location: Founding Fathers Field (Arlington, VA)

"I have a dream that Monday on the frosty fields of Founding Fathers Memorial Park white balls and black bats will come together for victory in the center field contraption."
-Paul Lambert

In honor of the late, great Dr. Martin Luther King, and also in honor of my younger brother, Desmond, we 4 Gil Tyrees convened on this chilly winter morn to wiffle in the new year.

Once again, fate pitted the private sector fat cats against the bureaucratic big wigs.

We got underway and the chess-like match of wits was immediately in force when, before the first pitch had even been thrown, I threw on some ski goggles which had the double effect of improving my visibility as well as distracting the hitter.  1-2-3 the hitters went down in quick succession, wondering what strategic counter they might make.  I guess that their strategic counter was either Paul's bright red Navajo chief ballcap, or when Bluth soon revealed that since our last meeting he had been seeing a sports psychologist to help him visualize his way through potential big spots in the game.  Once I learned this I made sure to pitch him inside early to help establish plate position for the later innings.

On our turn to bat we managed a double and some walks and some dinky singles to net 3 runs.

Then I came back on the mound and held them to 1 run, though I could sense that the goggles (borrowed, and 2 sizes too small) were getting too constrictive and I risked having permanent lines on my face.

Our bats started to come to life and we built up a big enough lead that I felt I could get through the rest of the game without the goggles.  Goggle-less, I went back out to the mound and they started knocking me around a bit, but not before our defense put a stop to their threat and kept us in the lead heading into the bottom of the 3rd.

During our half of the inning we had a few good hits but also the help of some shoddy defense out in the field.  Paul let a squibbler go right through his legs, and Bluth tried to bend over for a grounder but apparently couldn't reach down far enough because of the constriction caused by his jeans.  We ran the score up to a 12-5 lead.

We felt pretty confident heading into the 4th; confident enough to bring out my knuckleball against Paul, which was unfortunately served right back over our heads for a 2-run homer.  It may have been at this point that Bluth--always quick with an apt 90's hip-hop song--paid tribute to MLK's vision by singing, "Ring ding dong.  Ring-a-ding-ding-ding dong" (http://youtu.be/wWJqt0u_TCs?t=1m39s).  Then Bluth, emboldened by the psychological boost from his sports shrink, tried to play some mind games on me by holding the bat on his shoulders and standing tall at the plate while I delivered 1-2-3-4 close-call pitches that he took for balls.  Thankfully, A-Man and I kept our nerves and were able to get out of the inning clinging to a 3-run lead.

A-Man continued to demonstrate great batspeed, and he and I put up 4 more in the bottom of the 4th but it could have been more had it not been for Bluth's looked-more-difficult-than-it-really-was, over-the-shoulder, one-leg-sliding, massive-divot-creating catch that robbed me of a homerun.

Then, as I attempted to close it out in the 5th inning, I tried to sneak a lefty pitch past Paul but he promptly deposited it into deep right for a 3-run shot.  The inning continued and it so happened that Bluth found himself at the plate with 2 outs, bases loaded, and a 3-run deficit.  The irony of this being exactly what his sports psychologist had prepared him for I think only served to psych him out even more.  He was so nervous and giggly that he couldn't do much of anything for a time.  I resolved to pitch one in there the moment he stepped one foot into the batter's box.  With his head down and one foot barely in the box, I whizzed one by him that popped against the cone backstop for a quick 0-1 count.  Then on the next pitch he rolled over one for a soft grounder to A-Man to abruptly end the game.

Game Highlights:

• My ERA w/ Goggles: 2.50; My ERA w/o Goggles: 20.00
• Because there was an obstructive cone lodged in the Lin Sue Cooney contraption we proposed that any ball that goes into the LSCC and doesn't come out one of the 4 holes would be ruled an automatic out for causing a game delay.  Additionally, any runners on base would be wiped off.  The ruling passed unanimously.  
• The game was followed up with waffles, eggs, bacon, OJ, fruit, and purple potatoes.  
• For the first time on record, wifflers took a selfie picture to commemorate the game.

Game Report by Pace Barker

September 2, 2013 - Game Recap

Paul & Bluth vs. A-Man & Pace
Score: 6-3 (5 innings); 0-1 (3 innings)
Location: Patrick Henry Elementary School (Arlington, VA)

These boys of summer decided to bookend the DC summer with a Memorial Day game in May and now this Labor Day game in September.  The whole summer was just a buildup to this one glorious moment: the Bluth Monster back on the field.

On this early morn game day, the Arlington contingent got held up a bit by the wiffler with a newborn, but thankfully the delay didn't extend past the 15-minute mark so we didn't need to invoke tardy laps like in the days of Provo wiffle.

When we got to the field we tried to connect with Bluth who was coming in from Fairfax and hadn't been to the field before.  We scanned around in circles and suddenly saw him appearing from a right-fielderly direction.  His entrance had a magical glow to it: kind of like Ray Cansella appearing through the cornfields in 'Field of Dreams,' or possibly even like Sir Lancelot's death charge in 'Monty Python's Holy Grail.'

We hit for teams and started to play.  The combination of some rain that had fallen the night before and a fairly thick haze of humidity in the air made for a pitcher's ballpark.

Lambino was seeing the ball well (and pitching well) most of the day and started off the first with a few good knocks.  Bluth took some time to shake the rust off and started off early with a strikeout or two and some weak hits to the pitcher (me).

A-Man and I were making some decent contact but not enough to overcome the deadzone in left center, as well as Bluth's impressive defense -- on one occasion he charged in for a grounder from deep left and dove on the ball and snatched it with one hand just before it stopped rolling; and then performed a very graceful somersault follow-through.  He explained that we shouldn't be surprised by this: that he had a history of compensating for his declining bat skills with excellent defense.

In the middle innings Bluth engaged me in an at bat for the ages.  He ran me up to 10 or so pitches by continuing to foul off some quality put-away pitches.  We then had a showmanship contest of calling for timeouts, balking, stepping out of the batters box, etc. (and then the catcher, Paul, called for a timeout of his own).  In the final pitch of the AB Bluth blasted one over the monkey bars in left field.  I commented, "that's not a bat you want to wake up."

In the end Paul had a dinger and a triple, Bluth had a couple badonkadonks, I had one of my own, and A-man fell victim to the uncooperative left field (as well as to the stress of a newborn).  A-Man and I just couldn't get the bats going and we lost 6-3.

Since it was a quick game we decided to squeeze in a 3-inning double header.  A-Man's Livan Hernandez "slurve" really threw Bluth off, and watching from left field it looked to me like he swung about 5 feet in front of the pitch.  The aforementioned challenging hitter conditions, coupled with the fact that the distance between home plate and the pitchers mound had somehow narrowed by about 5 feet made for a very low-scoring game.  Both pitchers dueled but in the end, with only one out to work with in the bottom of the 3rd inning, A-Man clocked one to straightaway center for the walk-off victory.

Game Highlights:

• Paul struck out thrice against A-Man, once on a 6-2 count, once on a 4-2 count (on both occasions A-Man just kept throwing it in there and neither one of us felt like mentioning that he had technically walked already), and once on a called 3rd strike, courtesy of catcher Bluth who said that it might not have been a strike locationwise, he's just a sucker for good movement.  (Paul is just now learning about the first 2 controversial strikeouts.)
• A-Man had a ball crumple on him after hitting it; something you don't see as much in the live-ball era.  I commented that had Crato been in attendance he would have yelled out: "Damage!"
• In honor of Jane Lambert we all met for waffles afterwards with the Wiffle Wives Club.  By the way, don't ever get Trader Joe's hash browns -- you're better off driving to the nearest Denny's and taking out.

Game report by Pace Barker