November 26, 2010 - Game Recap

Verlan vs. Pace vs. Paul
IP: Verlan (0), Pace (4), Paul (4)
Score: 18-21-10
Location: Patrick Henry Elementary School baseball diamond near Walter Reed & Columbia Pike (Arlington, VA)

This game had been on the docket for a few months as it was rumored that both Technology Todd and Verl would be descending on D.C. during the Thanksgiving weekend so it seemed like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to play some 2-on-2 Gil Tyree wiffle.  It turned out that Techno Todd couldn't make it down until too late so we decided to just play 1-on-1-on-1. 

We were so out of the swing of things that when we started we were trying to figure out who should go first and we suggested alphabetical, but then we couldn't decide if it should be based on last name or first name, and then we couldn't decide if I should have to use my first name instead of my default middle name.  Then it dawned on us that the way to settle all such disputes in wiffle is to hit balls and let the longest ball go first. 

So Verlan started things off at the plate and I started at the mound.  The wind was blowing pretty strong out to center field and the short grass and only 2 fielders indicated that this would be a good day for hitters.  This was quickly confirmed when Verlan hit a leadoff homer.  His next at bat was not quite as successful in offensive production terms but much more successful in wiffle terms.  He hit a liner right at Paul who was playing in left field.  Paul squatted down to grab it with both hands but his shorts ripped all the way from about the right hamstring to the top of his right buttock.  He dropped the ball (he claims he would have definitely had it if not for the distracting shorts rip) and then we all cracked up for a good minute or two.

First the squat

Then the tear

At the end of 1 inning the score was Verlan (6), Pace (4), Paul (0).  It looked like Paul's slump (which started once he got married) was determined to continue.

Verlan put up a 3-spot in the top of the 2nd but then I had a slugfest in the middle of the inning. I started it off with some dinky singles, which lured Verlan to play me a little closer and then I hit a couple over his head for homers. Then things got a little wacky with what seemed like maybe 6 consecutive hits that all just barely escaped Verl’s clutches. It all ended with an 11-run inning for me thanks in part to a Knoblauckian fielding performance by Verlan. And Paul got blanked a second time.

In the 3rd Verlan put up 6, I put up 4, and Paul put up 4 for a total score of 15-19-4.

In the 4th and final inning Verlan drove in 3, and I padded my lead over Paul by putting up a modest 2. But as everyone knows, a 17-run deficit is like a free throw in wiffle ball so I wasn't about to give in to Paul. Paul looked like he was going to make a serious run but then he had a couple pop-ups and ended at a total score of 10.

Game Highlights:

• A mother and a bunch of school kids walked by us and stared at Paul’s ripped shorts.  We determined that hitting one of them with a ball in play would count as a 2x homer.
• For the first time ever we ate Salvadoranean pupusas as our postgame fare.  We ordered 3 then 2 more then 1 more and took it to go.  In the end they only gave us 4 but charged us for 6.
• Paul had a homerun-distance bat toss in the 2nd inning.
• We used ‘Jockey’ briefs from Paul’s high school days as the home plate.  

Game Report by Pace Barker

Profile: Matt "the Dorf Dorf Dorf Dorf" Dorfman

Next in the series of profiles is Matt "the Dorf Dorf Dorf Dorf" Dorfman. A later addition to the wiffle world, Matt brought with him an impressive presence both on and off the field. In an attempt to craft the best responses to the weekly wiffle ball emails, Matt dedicated his academic career at BYU to writing. On the field he was a skilled outfielder, bad shortstop, good hitter, and most importantly a wonderful person.
Name:
Dorf “the Dorf” Dorf Dorf Dorfman (et al.)

Favorite Position on the Field:
"Anywhere not named “infield”"

Wiffle Ball Strengths:
Comedic defensive failings. Swinging at every pitch.

Wiffle ball/personal weaknesses:
Comedic defensive failings. Swinging at every pitch.
Also waking up on time.

Best Career Moment:
"Des has alluded in the past to a line drive that caromed off my forehead. That might be my apex in the league’s eyes, but I’m hoping it’s not the moment by which my legacy is defined. I might say the time I hit for the cycle when Dan was pitching, but everybody hit for the cycle when Dan was pitching. Hmm. How about the time I quit wiffs for two weeks due to fielding incompetence but Verlan buoyed my spirits with a pep talk (full of Yiddish wisdom and humor) and I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and everyone admired my courage and I went on to become the offensive non-factor and defensive liability that I am today."

Memorable Awards Received:
"I can’t find my awards sheet and I have a terrible memory. But I got the ROY, thanks in part to the fact that the League looked the other way when Jeff (a non-ROY winner and bad influence) and I had attendance/punctuality problems."

Favorite Drink Choice and Hot Dog topping at RC Willey:
Coke; a second/third/fourth Hot Dog.

Who you disliked most in the league:
"Des. Wait, let me finish. Before you call me racist, let it be known that he was the guy that beaned me in the forehead with the line drive. Also, he
threw a bat at me once. Also, he always had to have his rap music blaring in his headphones in the dugout, and he had that way of obnoxiously twirling a hand towel around his head and shouting “Whoop, dey it is!” every dang time his teammates got on base."

Favorite Piece of wiffle ball folklore (or) favorite aspect of lambert memorial (or) favorite wiffle ball field landmark:
"My favorite piece of wifflelore was when Dave dove into the sticker bushes. I wasn’t technically there, but the accounts that have been described to me have been hysterical.
Typical wiffle ball outfit:
Gray sweatpants. For reasons unclear to me, but apparent to all others, my typical athletic outfit (jersey, Nike shorts) was classified by Pace as “pajamas,” a stigma from which I never quite recovered."(See picture to the right)

Where is He Now:
"Reaping the fruits of robust employment*, thanks to the marketable skills I attained through my difficult degree in Communications. Keep your nose in those books, friends. It pays off in the long run!"

Career Stats: (Click to Enlarge)


*Writing freelance articles about flushometers for about $3/hour

Profile: C. Jones

As one of the more statistically prolific members of the wiffle league, regular C. Jones will always have a special place on the mound and in the batter's box at Lambert Memorial. Besides athletic prowess, Chris had an amazing ability to remember the nuance rules that would help pad his stats.

Chris responded to Pop's request with the following statement:

“I would like to share a little about myself. I can be found in the upper left corner of the league photo. I am in my fourth/fifth year of wiffling and am currently in possession of a giant, gold wiffle ball as the reigning league MVP. Many would attribute the gaudy numbers I put up in the '07-'07 season to my infamous DRA (David Robinson arms); I, however, attribute them to my focus on . . . well, me. As much as I have enjoyed the camaraderie I have shared with all my fellow wifflers over the years, it really has always been about me. I come to Lambert Memorial each week with one objective--put up big numbers. Filling the stat sheet is what it is all about. It's not about tradition, the quirky Lambert Memorial landmarks, the post-wiffle dogs, or even reciting insanely clever wiffle poems at wiffle banquets; it's all about getting ribbies and hitting dongs! So if you wanna know about me, know this--I love dongs!”

Career Stats: (Click to Enlarge)

Profile: Technology Todd

I have chosen to profile wiffler Todd "Technology Todd" R. first for a number of reasons. A seasoned veteran of the league, Todd R. could always be counted on to take a jab at the "ethnics" of the league and those who were struggling at the plate or in the field, which earned him renown as the most controversial player in all of wiffle history. As a related note, I recently received an email where Mr. Radical confessed that the controversial way he lives his life coupled with his love for soon-to-be canceled television programs have capped his number of total friends at four.

Name:
Todd R.

Favorite Position on the Field:
The non-snowy patches of grass.

Wiffle Ball Strengths:
"Acrobatic entrance onto the field, prior to the game. No actual "in-game" talents."

Wiffle Ball/Personal Weakness:
"What doctors call a little bit of a weight problem."

Wiffle Career Highlight:
"I would like to say the diving catch or winning home run, but none come to mind. I think that photo-shopping a wiffle bat into Hunky Newcomer's (Allen G.) Ensign picture and putting together a Boyz II Men slide show for Paul's farewell banquet is where I added more value."

Memorable Awards:
"Something Verlan gave me, that was in reference to some historical figure that i was not familiar with, but was funny to the more pretentious and educated players in the league.

Most likely to appear on the cover of Wonderful World of Wiffle Technology: the only publication against the auto spell check of wiffle to waffle in all current versions of Microsoft Word."

RC Willey Order:
Hot Dog with Ketchup and Onions X 2, with a Diet Coke

Favorite Piece of Wiffle Ball Folklore (or) Favorite Aspect of Lambert Memorial:
"The history and timelessness of Lambert Memorial. I can remember lonely Saturday morning in my BYU dorm in 2001 while Paul would be off to play Wiffle at some place on campus I had never heard of. I have to admit, I was more intrigued by the free hot dots, but I have always yearned to be a part of something that was clearly bigger than I was, am or will ever be."

Typical Wiffle Ball Outfit:
"Mesh Speedo pants from the 2004 Olympic Games in Athens, due to their accentuating and enhancing effect on key areas of my body."

Where Is He Now:
Raleigh, NC taking advantage of the large cluster of fine educational institutions to study the origins of "sock baseball," to put to rest once and for all the true name of "sock baseball" (contentiously regarded as "baseball sock" by some).

Career Stats (click to view):

A New Beginning/Big-Inning

The Greatest Generation of Wifflers

In a March 21, 2008 wiffle ball email chain, legend John L. (Pops) sent out the following request in reaction to a portrait of the then current wiffle ball regulars, that was making its way across the internet:

"This is neat to see. I would like to know who each of these players are. I of course recognize the Barker and the Moyes, but am interested in the others. In fact, could each of them send an email to every address here and tell us about them. I don't want to feel completely severed from this young generations of wifflers, now that I am 11 years removed. Commissioner D Barker, can you make this happen?"

YES WE CAN.

18 months removed, Commissioner D. Barker is "makin' it happen." Over the next several weeks it is my intent to be a guest writer on this blog in order to give the heroes pictured to the left the recognition they deserve. I am honored to call each of these gentlemen a brother, and propose that they all be welcomed with open arms into the Gil Tyree Association of Retired Veterans.