November 27, 2008 - Game Recap

Crato, Pace, Des, Andrew, Mark, Brandon vs. Joe Friend, Jason, Trevor, Nathan, Charlie
WP: Pace
LP: Trevor
Score: 9-3
HR: Mark (1), Pace (1)

This was a surprisingly successful game considering the disappointing backdrop of the rained-out debut of the Everyone Memorial Wiffleball Field and the logistical complexities of a record-setting 5-on-6 matchup. Since it was too risky to play on the freshly laid winter grass at the Everyone Memorial, the ex-commissioners consulted and decided that we should play at the local church gym.

When we showed up to the gym, half of the court was occupied by a co-ed basketball game so the ex-commissioners' next move was to create a makeshift field in the church parking lot. This worked out pretty well (and by pretty well I mean lots of controversy, re-do's, and even an incident where the shortstop's (Charlie's) left ear was mashed against the pavement due to the pressure of the pitcher's (Trevor's) torso forcing its way onto the shortstop's head as they both dove to the same spot to try and recover a bobbled ball--fortunately the shortstop quickly got up--unfortunately, he was still in a daze and tumbled backwards several steps, unassisted, until he fell deep into a parking lot bush) for a couple of innings until it started to rain.

At that point, we retreated to the gym and by this time the co-eds had left and we picked up where we left off, now playing with the indoor rules. The key thing to remember about the indoor rules is that the 2nd overhang is a homerun, but the 1st overhang is either an out or a live ball to be batted at again by the batter off the first bounce; with penalty of an out for failing to hit it fair. A few people hit it into this 1st overhang, but no one more so than Des. He hit it a first time and then looked around in confusion while the ball bounced a second time, meaning he was out. When he hit the 1st overhang a second time, he very awarely swung at the ball off the bounce, but, hitting the same overhang in the same at bat, he actually had a second chance to hit it off the bounce, but, he hit it foul and we had to call him out. It was probably the highlight of the game if that gives you any idea of how much of a rocking good time we had.

Back at the house, I inquired of one of the rookies (Andrew) what he thought of the whole wiffle experience. He responded, "there's nothing wrong with it."

Game Highlights:

• Crato came in for relief in the 4th inning and showed us all that he still has something left in that cannon of his by racking up 6 consecutive punchouts.
  
• Joe Friend appears to have escaped the married man slump for the time being.

Game Report by Pace Barker

October 4, 2008 - Game Recap

Des and Pace vs. A-Man, Trevor, and Todd
WP: Des
LP: Trevor
Score: 11-9
HR: None

No Gil Tyrees officially came out of retirement for this Saturday noon game at Lambert Memorial in Provo, UT. This was just a charity game in which the losing team would have to make a contribution of an undisclosed amount to a charity of the winning team's choosing. Even knowing that this was to be a game for charity, Pops refused to come out and join the younger generation for unknown reasons--though I think we all know that John has always been a passionate non-philanthropist. We were, however, able to convince Todd to come and join by explaining that yard work is inappropriate on general conference Saturday because it's like a half-Sabbath and activities that are fully-inappropriate on the Sabbath (e.g. yard work) should not be permitted, but activities that are only half-inappropriate on the Sabbath (e.g. wiffleball, suntanning, watching movies) should be enjoyed.

It turned out to be raining pretty heavily all day and the field was soaked, but anyone who knows the essence of wiffle knows that there is no weather condition (except maybe a tornado) that should prevent a game from occurring. We started with no shortstop because Todd arrived late--though he did do an amazing run and slide when he got there. A-Man had some troubles with the popups in the early going--which may have been partly due to his current wiffle distraction: intramural reffing; but he was really sharp at the shortstop position making repeated head-first diving plays while always clasping the rolling ball with both hands; even in foul territory.

Pace & Des jumped out to an early lead and things remained relatively quiet through the middle innings for both teams; a run here and there, but never too much damage. In the top of the 5th, Pace & Des really got it going hitting three straight triples and several doubles in there as well. They were able to balloon their lead up to something like 11-2. Then in the bottom of the 5th, Des got a little lackadaisical and began to throw some meat to the other team. Trevor, A-Man and Todd started wacking away, and with Todd's ability to draw walks with his discerning eye, they began to mount a comeback. Pace was called in for relief and thanks to a fresh arm, and some good defense, they were able to hang on the "W". Then we all headed over to J-Dawgs for some non-free, delicious hot dogs.

Game Highlights:

• Des's fisherman shirt began to chafe around the 4th inning when he ferociously ripped it off and threw it from the mound to the backstop (the traditional path of most shed layers). Looking back on it, it appears that his pitching became substantially less effective as soon as he became a topless pitcher; though it did seem to make him a much better outfielder.
  
• We had several outs called on account of foul balls that went over the high tennis court fence (whenever the gate is locked in times of inclement weather, foul balls over the high fence are deemed outs). After the game was over, and there were 4 balls left to retrieve, we voted for A-Man to spider-man the 10-foot+ wall and throw the balls back over. After throwing the balls back, on his way back over, he went to scale the fence at a panel close to the entrance, and was surprised to see that the gate was unlocked. We heard him laugh around the corner and knew what it must have meant.
• The current wiffle generation has devised a backstop made of large sheets of plywood that is meant to stop balls from ricocheting over the low fence. It's effectiveness is still in question, but it does keep things from getting wet when it's raining.
  

Game Report by Pace Barker

December 20, 2007 - Game Recap & Banquet Report

Players/Attendees: Pops, Crato, Mark, James, Joe Friend, Johnathan, Pace

WP: Crato (Gm 1); James (Gm 2)
LP: Pace (Gm 1); Mark (Gm 2)

HR: Crato (1)




This event was called for by our league historian, Mark, who noted that this would be the 10-year anniversary of the inaugural wiffle banquet marked by Pops's retirement. And it was to be of special importance because it coincided with Joe Friend's marriage eve eve.

We started off with a casual dinner at Pei Wei where, miraculously, all 6 of us ordered white rice instead of brown rice with our plates. Only Joe and I followed the implicit dress code of wearing our "old trusty nasties". James made a joke about Kurk Cameron's "groin pains" and Mark made hot-girl dance moves aimed at Joe; this was about the extent of the raucous bachelor behavior for the evening.

After dinner we made our way over to the church gym for the first ever league indoor game. We had to change the rules dramatically for the new venue and about half of the games' outs came as a result of hitting the ball at the roof before it cleared the first obstacle (roughly 5 feet in front of the pitcher's mound. We also imposed the rule that if anyone from the building (be it bishopric member or practicing ward choir singer) poked their head in the door, then the person up to bat would be penalized one strike; this occured to me and Mark only. The second game ended in controversy when Mark tried to hit a ball off the bounceback from the ceiling divider (based on a previously stated ruling) but it was ruled that since it bounced twice it was "unclean" and a compromise was reached that if he could make a 3-pointer the play would stand as a single. But he missed.

After that we commenced with the banquet portion of the evening. Pops kicked it off as the MC with a wiffle glove "wot wot" chant or something. Nobody understood its significance. Then Mark made a brief introduction and I presented awards to all in attendance.

• Pops - The FoxCam Award
• James - Yellow Vest
• Joe - Joe-i-fied Award
• Johnathan - Most likely to suddenly break John's "Longest Homerun" record
• Crato - Double Threat
• Mark - The Passion of Lambert Field
• Pace - MVP (Self-appointed)

Afterwards Mark organized a spin the bottle variation with a wiffleball bat. First Joe spun and then we didn't know who it was pointing at cause we weren't sure if the barrel or the handle ruled in this situation. So we had Johnathan spin it but we still hadn't resolved the barrel/handle issue. Then Mark suggested that Joe, Johnathan, and James run a race with their hips connected but nobody did it so we transitioned over to Wiffle truth or dare. Some truth or dare highlights:

• John acts out a scene from Bladerunner
• James does a topless summersault
• Crato accepts, and succeeds in, the challenge to fart
• Pace can't think of a high-priest joke
• Johnathan comes clean and confesses: "Pops is strange"

This was followed by a 10-year sketch presented by the English literate, James. We discussed posting a copy on the blog but realized that too many names and incidents would have to be redacted that it wouldn't make any sense. We then had a heartfelt Joe Friend tribute ceremony capped off by a framed photo of the famous Joe friend pitching motion. Then one of the high-ups in the stake opened the door and stared at us for a while in disbelief before contenting himself that we had committed to turn off the lights before leaving.

Game & Banquet Report by Pace Barker

October 13, 2007 - Game Recap

Crato, Pace, and Spade Whittemore (Paul’s Father-In-Law) vs. Mark and Paul

WP: Crato
LP: Mark
Score: 11-6
HR: Spade W (2); Mark (2); Crato [1 (GS)]; Pace (1); Paul (0)

Mark looked sharp in the early going pitching his way out of a bases-loaded jam with no damage in the top of the 1st. Crato started out looking wild giving up 3 or 4 runs in the bottom half of the inning by issuing some walks and giving up some extra base hits to Mark (who continues to hit the ball well since he changed over to the Easton bat given him by Golden Boy). Then in the 2nd our bats started to come to life and Spade hit the first homer for our team (his first career HR) by depositing the ball into the bushy tree just beyond the foul pole over the left field fence. He followed it up with one of the best unwitting “disses” in league history (though I seem to remember an unwitting diss on John’s hitting coming from Jane Lambert that may beat this one) by telling Mark it was a “nice pitch”. Later, both Crato and I hit homeruns that were just outside of Paul’s reach, mine over the wooden gate in deep left with Paul crashing into (and bending) the fence with his two arms outstretched like a mummy, and Crato’s in the bushes in right center with Paul setting and jumping backwards creating a gorilla-size stir in the bushes.

The luck would just get worse for Mark on the mound as the game wore on. Mark tried to chase down a Crato foul ball along the driveway and just missed it and ended up losing his footing on the loose gravel and sustaining some cuts to his push-off leg. Later, Crato dinked a ball over the pitcher’s head in shallow right. With Mark taking no thought for his body, and Paul barreling in from the outfield, they met in what has to be the nastiest wiffle collision of all time. The blow caused Mark to fly backwards and his shattered glasses upwards. He lay in the dirt for a good while kicking his legs back and forth and moaning (so we could tell he wasn’t faking) and then he got up, sipped some water, and finished the inning. Turns out most of the blow was absorbed in his left eye and he was apparently coughing up blood later in the day. He’s currently listed as day-to-day. We called the game after the 3rd inning on account of needing to help everyone else set up for the wedding reception. In calling the game we all huddled around the pitcher’s mound and recalled our favorite Mark injuries. Mine was when he dove backwards on a sprint for a fly ball on the sidewalk in right field of Lambert Memorial and you could hear his hips clank against the concrete. Paul & Crato liked the time when he went head-first into the prickly bushes and had to have surgery to get a pricker out of his hand. Spade declined to comment.

Also, based on his recent struggles up in the Provo league*, we were all interested to see how Paul would play at Lambert Original in his first appearance as a married man. He ended up something like 1-for-5 or 1-for-6 with a Chavez y Chavez y Chavez single in his last AB.

Game Report by Pace Barker

*From the Provo Sports Bureau, Paul’s married-man stats at Lambert Memorial this season:
Player: Lambert, Paul; Hits: 0, Avg: .000; Slg%: .000; OBP: .000; OPS: .000; 2B: 0; 3B: 0; HR: 0; RBI: 0; K: 2

September 15, 2007 - Game Recap

Crato, Pace, and Mark vs. James and Jason

WP: Mark
LP: James
HR: Crato (6), Mark (10), Pace (3), James (1), Jason (1)

This was a matchup of the has-recently-played team against the hasn't-played-in-a-long-time-and-it-showed team. James started for his team and labored from the get-go. By the 2nd inning he appealed to some unwritten rule that if you give up 3 straight dingers you have to let someone else pitch. Jason came in to relieve and gave it a yeoman's effort, pitching despite severe elbow, knee, back, and shoulder injuries. He got the first 4 batters he faced out with a tantalizing high curve ball...but then we hit 4 straight homers. James came back in to relieve and gave up 2 more homers extending the streak to 6. I came in to close it out in the 5th and surrendered a solo shot to Jason, and a strike em' out bat toss to James.

Game Highlights:

• Mark, Crato, and I tied the record set by Crato (in a 1-on-1-on-1 game) hitting 6 straight homers
• One game after his miraculous 2x homer through the window, Crato, batting lefty, dinked one into right field and came within 1 or 2 inches of repeating the feat through the same back window of the same car. He was credited with a solo homerun.
• Jason, also batting lefty, came within inches of sending the bat through the same window on an inadvertent bat toss. He was credited with a strike. Mark suffered momentary confusion and briefly ran towards the ball that lay near the garage door since the tossed bat made him think that the ball was in play. As a preventative measure I put some tennis grip on the bat handle.
  
• One game after enforcing the "the ball is still live after it hits a part of the field" rule, James robbed Mark of a homer off the centerfield bushes.
• Crato, on his "all or nothing" campaign, recorded only homeruns or outs, nothing in between.
• Various flashy defensive plays led us to declare, "Defense is Back."

Game Report by Pace Barker