January 30, 2016 - Game Recap

Pace & A-Man vs. Paul, James, & Bluth
Score: 10-5 (through 2-1/3 innings)
Location: Butler Holmes Park - Field 2 (Arlington, VA)

The stars aligned to bring 'Kuwaiti James' into D.C. for a few days while I am currently home alone as the rest of my family is out of the country for a month.  So James and Paul had the brilliant idea to do a Friday-night Gil Tyree slumber party at my house.  It's amazing how easily you can ease right back into your old high school/college conversations and behavior when the setting is right like that.

We talked about old flames and funny Crato stories and stuff like that till about 2 in the morning, and then we all got in our jammies and bunked up together to watch 'Furious 5', committed to trying to watch the whole thing.  I made a comment at about the 10-minute mark and when James didn't respond we realized that he was a goner.  About 5 minutes after that Bluth told us to wake him up when it got to the "Brazhio" part, which neither Paul or I had any idea what that meant.

About 40 minutes later, after Mia tells Brian that she's pregnant, and Dom brings them in for a group hug and sagely proclaims, "the family just got bigger," Paul and I decided to hit the sack so we could be ready for our 7:16am sunrise game.

The room we were sleeping in doesn't have a clock so when James's phone was buzzing and I saw him moving around I figured it was just about time to get up.  And then Bluth's alarm sounded, and he and James were wide awake (and cheerful) while Paul and I were still half asleep and Paul started lodging complaints at them for snoring so loud all night and keeping him awake.  Then, in anticipation of my phone alarm going off, but it never sounding, I decided to ask what time it was only to learn that it was only 6:00am.  With Paul and I confused and irritated as to why we were being awoken so early, Bluth cheerfully explained that he didn't actually set his alarm for that time, he just didn't "unset" it, which was only slightly satisfying.  He further clarified that he and James often have to wake up early so they can worry about "old-guy" things like seeding their lawn, and keeping kids off their lawn, and making sure the paper doesn't get wet from the sprinklers, and other such concerns.  The only solace in all of this tomfoolery was that we might still manage to catch some zzz's until the real alarm went off at about 6:50am.  So Paul and I tried to ignore the old guys and bury our heads in our pillows.  We successfully dozed off only to have James blurt out about 5 minutes later, "Whoa! Serena lost!" which didn't really seem like wake-up-worthy news to us, so we tried to snooze one more time but had little success since Bluth was the first to fall asleep and was now snoring very loudly.

When we all woke up for real we got decked out in our many layers for the tundra conditions we would soon face on the playing field.  James was the most ill-prepared for this, having been acclimatized to the Kuwaiti desert, and having just had to shave his beard for his LDS-safezone school interview at SVU.

After hitting for teams we got underway with Bluth on the mound for his side.  His tantalizers induced some ugly swings and he quickly had 2 outs with no runners on base.  He got excited and told James he would treat him to Sizzler later that night if he got a 1-2-3 inning.  Then we quickly got a bunch of hits and put up 6 runs.  One of those hits was a fast grounder that zigzagged on the uneven snow and sent James running in one direction only to double back and do a banana-peel slip and fall.

Their team then fired back with a 4-run inning thanks to a double homer off of Paul's bat.

The defense on the hard-snow field had some pros and cons.  The cons were that mobility was very limited so it was tiring and difficult to chase down flyballs.  Also locating the white balls in the white snow to throw them back to the pitcher was no easy task.  The pro, however, was that the grounders would invariably skid across the crusty snow until they sank into a footprint divot where they would wildly spin in place for 10 seconds or so.  James quickly (and annoyingly) got wise to this and became an expert in playing deep and then very slowly fielding grounders for outs since the ball was still technically rolling.

Another condition that needs to be mentioned is that the extreme cold meant that the balls cracked under too much pressure, which meant we had to be careful with our meager 3 balls in inventory.  James took this precaution a little too seriously and tried to do some sort of delicate swinging bunt thing only to foul twice and then make an ill-advised hack at a 3rd pitch in the dirt for a strikeout.  

In the 2nd inning, down to only one ball remaining, and with their team figuring out some crafty defensive maneuvers, we got blanked during our turn to bat.  Their team then countered with a run in their half of the frame, bringing it to a tight 6-5 ballgame headed into the 3rd.

In the 3rd Paul came on in relief, which put Bluth behind the plate, which, according to him, was bad news for us since he used to be a catcher.  James's new strategy from the outfield appeared to be to ask lots of questions to A-Man while he was at the plate.  I was able to identify this quickly from the dugout, and helped A-Man to make sure his mental plate preparation wasn't overly compromised.  Thankfully, he was able to stay laser-focused and pound some doubles mid-sentence.  We had a good streak going and had put up 3 runs when A-Man came to the plate and got another 2-out hit, driving in another run, but also cracking our last wiffleball.  We all conferred at home plate and James proposed that since we were short on time instead of trying to leave the field and find some new wiffleballs we call the game (with their team declared as the victors; and the score doesn't matter -- whatever), and head over to District Taco for some breakfast.  I was worried about what the other Gil Tyrees would think, but James told some profound story (which I've now forgotten) which convinced us all that it was the right decision.  Bluth taught us that by being decisive like this we were able to avoid "going on the road to Abilene" -- a fitting analogy he had learned from his business management ("BusM") days at BYU.  I think it all played out the way R.C. Willey would have wanted.

James explaining the virtues of District Taco's breakfast

One of several moments when Bluth would proclaim, "I really like D.C."

Pregame, In-game, and Postgame Highlights:

• The series of questions James posed to A-Man had the residual benefit of waking up Bluth's 'Inquisitive Adam' side
• The slumber party & wiffle & District Taco good vibes were so strong that James was overcome and responded by giving me an awkward back massage while we were waiting for our food
• James and Adam didn't say their prayers before going to bed

Paul doing his best impersonation of Joe Friend impersonating a Russian.  Bluth relying on artificial energy drinks to enhance his performance.

   Game report by Pace Barker

December 19, 2015 - Game Recap

Pace & A-Man vs. Des, Paul, & Bluth
Score: 11-8
Location: Butler Holmes Park - Field 2 (Arlington, VA)

The day started off with an unpleasant surprise.  Bluth (who claims to have shown up an hour early to play a full-length mental game with his sports psychologist) was the first to arrive on the scene where he witnessed an all-too-familiar scene of wiffle terrorism (see below).  

The once majestic Butler Holmes Park - Field 1; now fenced off as a 'tree preservation area'

We think terrorist drones must be scanning for corresponding dead grass patches of pitchers' mounds and batters' boxes.  We hardly knew ye, Butler Holmes Park - Field 1.

So we considered alternative options and chose the path of least resistance: play in the adjacent patch of grass.  It all seemed fine until about pitch #1 when we soon realized that 1) the field sloped down towards home plate, and, even more challenging, 2) now that the sun was coming out it was directly in the hitter's line of sight.  But we played on all the same.

Glare.  (Much worse than this picture makes it appear.)

The chilly-morning game started off with some dinky singles and walks, and A-Man and I were able to manufacture a pair of runs off Des.  Whenever one of us had a good AB we would bump fists, but in a very delicate way since the cold made it too painful.  Their defense displayed some good leather right away, and Paul was honored to be dubbed 'Department of Defense', and then Bluth dubbed himself 'The No-Fly Zone'.

The Des-Paul-Bluth team then had their turn to try to put up some runs.  Comically, each time a new batter stepped into the box, even though he knew the glare would be tough, he had to laugh at just how bad it was.  On the mound I tried to use all these factors to my advantage, and I was generally cruising until Paul smacked a dead-red fastball right into the middle of my face on my nose and lip.  It was amazing too because in addition to my 5 or so layers of clothing, I was also wearing a ski cap and goggles and a beardo attachment; yet the icy ball somehow found the one uncovered part of my face.  I quickly fell to the ground in pain and shock; and I vividly remember hearing Desi's giggling.  But after a minute or two I collected myself and took the mound to some classy applause.  On top of that single I also surrendered a smooth-stroke dinger to Des, allowing them to notch it up at 2-2 after 1.  

A-Man and I had a decent next few innings offensively, though I myself was pretty useless.  And their stalwart defense didn't last past the 1st inning.  Paul fell victim to the bobble, Bluth got psyched out and dropped an easy popup, and Desi charged in for a short popup but then inexplicably didn't extend his hands to make a play on the ball, allowing it to fall just a few inches in front of his face and drop for a foul.  (I suspect he was too concerned about maintaining his good-looking preppy sweater.)  Immediately following this poor display Desi reminded us that even in his Provo heyday he was awarded 'Worst Defensive Pitcher'.  Now knowing that, none of us judged him too poorly.

On the Pace & A-Man defensive side I was struggling with my command but still managing to rack up quite a few strikeouts thanks largely to the combination of a falling curveball and the blinding sun.  The general pattern for their offense was Bluth would use his psychological skills to frustrate me into walking him, Paul would get some good contact but often for well-defended outs, and Schlienel-Bagel (Des) would take some smooth pitching-wedge cuts and send the ball over the fence for a homer.  

The game was back-and-forth each inning with the Pace & A-Man team maintaining a small lead throughout.  In the 5th and final inning, with only a 2-run lead A-Man came up big with a 4-run double homer off the tin roof of the ramada.  Ever resilient, Bluth then gave Des the reassurance that their team was still in good shape for a number of reasons, chief among them that they still had 'The No-Fly Zone'.

And so we headed into the final frame with an 11-5 lead.  On the mound, as I struggled with my command, I was feeling the dread of giving up the lead and having to watch them celebrate.  I had given up 3 runs and had a runner on with only one out to show for it.  But then I was fortunately able to get a popup, and then faced Paul with 2 down.  I got the count in my favor and went for the curveball which had been staying inside on me all day.  I got it to break and dip right over the middle-high part of the strike zone for the punchout.  Paul didn't like the call, and it's not a great way to end the game, but I firmly stand by it.  

Game Highlights

• Next to the double-homer ramada sit 2 trash cans: 1 recycle and 1 regular.  In an effort to promote earth preservation awareness in the younger wiffle generation it was decided that a ball hit into the recycle can would be awarded a 10x homer, while hitting the plastic ball into the regular trash can would be a minus-10 homer.  
• There was a controversial play when A-Man made a great running catch at a would-be double by Paul.  His speed was so great that after he caught the ball he ran headlong for 3 or 4 bounding lunges until he became almost parallel with the paved ground and had to dive forward into the grassy homerun territory where the ball popped out on contact with the ground.  I ruled it an out given how long he had hung onto it, but was asked to provide some rule clarification, and their team suggested an asterisk in the final scoring might be warranted.
• At times, Bluth's psychological powers extended to his teammates.  For example, when their team needed a big pitch Bluth would yell, "Bulldog!" at Des with great effectiveness.  
• In spending the rest of the day with Des and some members of the Wiffle Wives Club it became apparent that Des was proud of his 4 homers and didn't care too much that the team had lost.
• Bluth opened up to us about trying to overcome his BYU sports addiction.  We all sputtered off some possible alternative forms of entertainment for him but now I feel like it was a missed opportunity for some therapeutic healing.  

Game report by Pace Barker

August 1, 2015 - Game Recap

Paul & Pace vs. James & Bluth
Score: 25-14
Location: Butler Holmes Park (Arlington, VA)

With a rare U.S. appearance by Saudi Arabian legend, James Lambert, we figured it was a great time to squeeze in some Saturday wiffle action.

Since it just felt right to have it be older brother generation vs. younger brother generation we dispensed with the custom of hitting for teams, and instead hit for longest ball to see who would bat first.  Paul and I outclobbered Bluth and James by a longshot which kind of set the tone for the James and Adam mantra of them doing the little things to win ballgames.  "Don't you guys wish you were as good at doing the little things." "Maybe when you guys are older you'll know it's all about the little things."  And so on and so forth.

Bluth took the mound in the first (but only for part of it -- James took the mound for about 2 pitches somewhere in there; gave up a long single, and ceded the mound back to Bluth), making the arrogant pronouncement early on that he was the only one in the league that ever played high school baseball.  We (Paul mostly) managed to knock them around a bit for 5 runs, and in the process breaking in the field with its first extra-base hits, including a homerun in the nature reserve.

But to their credit they roared right back with a 9-run inning in the bottom half of the frame.  In the first pitch James faced he saw one come in a little high and outside and pelted it straight back to centerfield.  James, Paul had just warned me, was having a post-career resurgence, as all the Lambert brothers could attest from their recent family reunion in Idaho.  As they batted around they bantered about high school friends, 90's music, "little things", various vulgarities, and some other inane James commentary involving references to things like Seal and Giselle in the same sentence.  But to his credit he also compared Rae (my 4-yr-old daughter who was standing like a statue near the home-run line wearing a bright pink hat) to Glenn Close in The Natural, and then proceeded to hit a grandslam right in her direction.

But the challenge for their team on this steamy August afternoon would be endurance.  I guess lack of focus would be another challenge for them.  And for that matter you could add despondence to the list.  As Paul's and my bats continued to heat up, with such feats as answering Bluth's taunts of, "I dare you to hit it in my direction" with a next-pitch 3-run jack right over his head, and wailing one over the yellow fence into the basketball court (a Butler Holmes Park first), their bats only seemed to cool down.  While Paul and I added 20 runs to our total over the next few innings they would put up only 5 more runs over the course of the game, but a few of those had asterisks with things like grounding out to the pitcher but claiming that it was a foul ball, batting out of order but accusing us of being weenies, etc.  Maybe this was what they meant by the little things.

And I assume that the little things philosophy only applied on offense, since they had a rough spell of dropping several easy popups, including one where James, as he chased back from the mound while Bluth charged in, hurriedly hollered out at the last second  "You got it!", which Bluth interpreted as "Got it!".  Bluth requested that going forward James not use the words "got it!" in a case where he was not going to make a play on the ball, and James suggested that he just say, "Got it!" for plays where he wanted Bluth to get the ball, and "I got it!" for plays where he would try to catch the ball.  A couple more possibilities were tossed out by James but they never seemed to reach a consensus.  All that being said, however, James did surprise us all when there was a deep fly to the outfield that we were all certain was going to drop for a hit once he started having to maneuver around the outfield bench and awkwardly negotiate his way up the hill, but he made a diving grab to snatch it for an out.

By the end of the 3rd we were running a bit short on time and we proposed making it a 4-inning game only (to which Bluth too-hastily agreed).  In that final 4th inning they had all the right phrases (e.g. "x number of runs is like a freethrow in basketball.") but the body language just wasn't there.  When we ran out of balls to pitch with since they had all piled up either in homerun or foul territory, but no one on their side was bothering to throw them back into play, that told you everything you needed to know.

Game Highlights

• Paul dubbed the homerun nature reserve spot (or rather he allowed me to dub it for him), "The Sierra Club Nature Reserve"
• 3 motions were made with the following outcomes
• Motion to name the triple bench in centerfield, 'Bartman Bench' for always getting in the way when you need to catch a pop-up
• Motion upheld 3-1
• Motion to make the yellow border of the homerun fence be a 2x homer (with the add-on that it be applied retroactively for the benefit of the James and Bluth team)
• Motion struck down 2-2
• Motion to make the tree in centerfield a triple-tree (with the add-on that the James and Bluth team receive some random bonus that I can no longer recall)
• Motion struck down 2-2
• James and Adam accused me of having an ESPN 'Body Mag' poster of Bryce Harper in my bedroom.  This joke morphed into us making plans for a 'Skin Edition' 2016 calendar of all the wiffle greats.  
• James and Bluth successfully used sabermetrics as well as old-school scouting reports to shift around the field on defense depending on the situation.  (For example, you can see below that in the early innings they played shallow outfield, and later on they played deep outfield, particularly with the James "highball" in play.)

The Bluth slider

The James "highball"

Editors Note (8/10/15): A previous version of this post incorrectly excluded the Bartman Bench motion and inadvertently omitted a game highlight regarding the 'Skin Edition' calendar.

Game report by Pace Barker

November 28, 2014 - Game Recap

Paul & Pace vs. A-Man & R. Paul
Score: 11-10
Location: Butler Holmes Park (Arlington, VA)

In the wake of the November 19th 90-minute moment of silence to remember the inauguration of Founding Fathers Field before it was brutally hacked to shreds, we figured it was time to come to grips with reality and get back on the field.  Due to some great reconnaissance work by Paul we discovered a most-adequate plot of land that we're hopeful will serve nicely for years to come, and will avoid the plague of trailers that seems to be going around.

The likely replacement field for the now deceased Founding Fathers Field.

With the rarely-used R. Paul getting called up for some last-minute action, it was Paul & Pace who looked to be the favorites on this chilly, windy day in Arlington.

The first inning started off with the pitchers having an upper hand, with both pitchers (A-Man and Pace) tossing perfect innings for their respective teams.

As the innings wore on and the layers (which included bike gloves, ski goggles, and a 'Beardo' attachment) came off, the bats started to come to life, though with a fair share of wind to contend with.

R. Paul showed some grit early on by showing a willingness to crowd the plate which resulted in several bean balls and got him a couple of walks.

By the end of the 2nd inning A-Man & R. Paul were up 4-1 thanks to some scrappy play.

In the 3rd Paul & Pace loaded the bases but managed to drive in only one run, while A-Man & R. Paul tacked on another 4 runs.  R. Paul had a hilarious streak of singles that came in just about every way imaginable (right- and left-field slow rollers, right- and left-field medium-strength grounders, up-the-middle grounders, halfway popups that were just beyond the pitcher's reach and just shallow enough that a diving outfielder couldn't get to it).  Witnessing the repeated combination of the tantalizingly slow wiffle ball juxtaposed with the chaotic flurry of the unsuccessful fielders was just too hilarious after about the 6th occurrence, and after Paul & I nearly dove into each other trying to catch one of these balls we both had a fit of laughter for about 10 seconds laying there on the ground, the innocent white ball there between us.

The 4th inning was a little more of the same; A-Man & R. Paul running their lead up to 10-3.

Paul & Pace decided to bear down in their final inning, and with the combination of some decent hitting, help from the wind (one pop-up was headed straight for the outfield and then lifted up and ended up landing about 2 feet away from the pitcher), and help from the blinding sun (a dinky foul pop-up managed to touch down without a play from A-Man), were able to put up 8 runs to take a 1-run lead and be in a position to close out the game.  With all the momentum now on their side, Pace & Paul were able to close out the game without much drama.

Game Highlights

• In convening on Veitch St. before the game Paul reported on the comical site of A-Man running down the street in only his gym shorts, flip-flops, and undershirt hauling his trashcan, hurrying to catch the garbage man on his Friday morning route. 
• This was the first game in a long time in which no extra base hits occurred.  It must have been fate too because A-Man had a good hit to straightaway center that had the triple bench in its cross-hairs but somehow managed to glide right through the narrow slits for a long single.
• Pace was able to frequently channel his inner Byun Hun Kim by dipping down on his pitching delivery for some good sidearm submariners but with only modest success.
• It took Paul until his 4th plate appearance before even making contact with a ball.

Game Report by Pace Barker

R.I.P. Founding Fathers Field - The Nineteenth of November, Two Thousand and Eleven, Anno Domini, to the Twenty Third of July, Two Thousand and Fourteen, Anno Domini

"(1/2) In an unsuccessful attempt to knock on Paul's door (resulting in a confused Wally), I realized I should text this. The wiffle field known as Founding Fath(2/2) ers Memorial park, has two very large portable classrooms sitting on it. The scene is horrific exhibited by the foul pole table being slightly askew" 

"(1/2) We deserved a hearing at least with Arlington County Board before they made such a mistake - deprivation of wiffle life, liberty, and property without due(2/2)  process under the fourteenth and fourth amendments. I guess the Gil Tyree dues don't buy quite the lobbying clout it once did." 
-Text from A-Man, 7/23/14

It started with the July 23 text sequence from A-Man, and was confirmed today on my routine check-in on the grounds: The Founding Fathers Field has a giant trailer covering basically the entire field.

Mayhem.
"Behold now behemoth...; he eateth grass as an ox." (Job 40:15)

How these proceedings took place without the Gil Tyrees' involvement or consent is a legal atrocity for the ages.  The impact on the current and future generations of D.C. area wifflers is hard to fathom -- I get queasy just thinking about it.

The sheer injustice of it all has spawned a meme phenomenon on the Internet of a trailer being superimposed on significant landmarks to help draw comparisons of the true impact of this horrific occurrence.