November 26, 2011 - Game Recap

Game 1
Pace vs. A-Man vs. Verlan 
Score: 5-3-4
Location: Patrick Henry Elementary School (Arlington, VA) 

Game 2
A-Man vs. Verlan vs. Pace 
Score: 15-10-12
Location: Patrick Henry Elementary School (Arlington, VA) 

It was a great start to the day when Verlan, decked out in about a dozen cotton layers, picked me up in a borrowed Mini Cooper with the heat blasting at about 90 degrees as we listened to 'Last Christmas' en route to the ballfield.  

Due to a freak accident involving my storage unit key and an elevator shaft we ended up playing with the classic skinny yellow bats.  As you can see from the scores it took us a bit to get going but now that the 3 of us have mastered the skinny yellow bats I bet you'll see scores up in the 100's next time any of us play with the bigger black bats.

Verlan made it clear right from the get go that he would not be doing any pitching.  His communal contribution ended up being his many shed layers which served as a semi-effective backstop; I think it corralled in 2 balls total.

Before the first pitch was thrown we decided to make the ruling that a ball that hits the 12-in thick log running along the left field wall would be good for a triple.  Improbably, Verlan hit this log on his first AB of the game.  We then dubbed the log, "Lewis Log".

Swing and a miss!  (You can see Lewis Log running along the left field wall)

I ended up winning the game by a narrow margin and we all felt up to a double-header so we just kept going.

In Game 2 I looked poised to come out with another win after putting up a 10-spot in the 1st inning but somewhere around the top of the 2nd A-Man went into a zone and he would not be taken out of it--even though I tried throwing off his eye level with a high fastball.  He sent one laser homerun out to deep left field  in the jungle gym where he just about gave a newborn a nice wiffle welt.  We sent Verlan to retrieve the ball and we all tried our best to avoid eye contact with that family; but hey, we were there first. 

By the end of the game we all had our bats going but A-Man was just playing on another level and he came away with the victory.

Game Highlights:

• We amended the ruling on the "dodgeballish contraption" referenced in the previous game report so that if a ball goes in one hole and out another the homerun factor would be multiplied by the product of the two corresponding coefficients of each hole.  (e.g. if 3 men are on base and you hit a ball that goes in the +1 hole and out the -2 hole the resulting homerun would be for -200 runs (4 x 5 x -10))
• For postgame fare we met up with the Wiffle Wives & Babies and went to the iconic Ben's Chili Bowl where they promptly seated us in the back room where all the white folks sit.  

Happy wifflers.  Unhappy babies.

Game Report by Pace Barker

November 19, 2011 - Game Recap

Pace vs. A-Man vs. Paul 
Score: 7-5-7
Location: Patrick Henry Elementary School (Arlington, VA) 

There are two sports that are so taxing on the human body that they can only be played at most once a week: professional football and Gil Tyree wiffleball.  On Saturday we played Gil Tyree wiffleball.  Now it's Monday and all three of us are feeling it mightily in the hamstrings, abs, triceps, ribs, back, etc.

We met up at the same field we used about one year ago but the baseball diamond was muddy so we moved closer to the playground where there was some sort of dodgeballish contraption (see picture below) with 4 slots reading "+1", "-1", "+2", and "-2".  We determined that if anyone hit a ball in this contraption in straightaway center it would be worth, respectively, 5x, -5x, 10x, and -10x homers depending on the slot it came out of.

The wind was blowing in from centerfield so it was a pitcher's park and we got some gnarly movement on several popups that landed for singles or fouls but should have been outs.  I felt deflated in the 2nd inning after Paul robbed me of a homerun by making an amazing leaping catch while negotiating the wooden playground ledge and dealing with the unpredictable wind currents--though he later admitted that those wind currents actually brought the ball right into his hand.

A-Man (Hunky Newcomer) jumped out to an early lead but I was able to keep him in check by employing a new pitching tactic I've been working on: throwing off the hitter's eye level.  After throwing him a 15-ft high fastball on an 0-2 count he never regained his comfort at the plate.

Then Paul got into the zone and cranked a few to give him a commanding 7-5-1 lead.  I mounted a comeback in the last inning thanks to a 2-out pitching bobble and then retired Paul later in the inning to end the game at 7-5-7.

We followed the action with Shopper's donuts and a communal quart of whole milk, which Paul chortled down his chin and jacket after I made him laugh.  

Game Highlights:

• Paul won 'Best Dressed' with his unrippable running shorts and his "Native American" ball cap. 

Olde English Poem:

'Thro cold, dry winters and days dark and grey

'Thro snowfall and rain oh treacherous day

Hark to the battle-cry!  Make for the fray!

Onward! Yes onward to wiffle today!

'Tho one thousand martyrs be raised from the dead

'Tho the dragons and visigoths rear up their head

From the mighty batallion it shall ever be said

Onward to wiffle; arise from thy bed!

Press onward dear brother the battle's not o'er

The enemy advances; cries out now for more

From its scabbard unsheath the sword on your shoulder

Onward to wiffle be it mountain or shore!

The oaths of the fathers remembered again

Beauty not captured by psaltery or pen

Awake my brother; on to the end

Onward to wiffle! Rise up ye men!

Game Report and Poem by Pace Barker

November 26, 2010 - Game Recap

Verlan vs. Pace vs. Paul
IP: Verlan (0), Pace (4), Paul (4)
Score: 18-21-10
Location: Patrick Henry Elementary School baseball diamond near Walter Reed & Columbia Pike (Arlington, VA)

This game had been on the docket for a few months as it was rumored that both Technology Todd and Verl would be descending on D.C. during the Thanksgiving weekend so it seemed like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to play some 2-on-2 Gil Tyree wiffle.  It turned out that Techno Todd couldn't make it down until too late so we decided to just play 1-on-1-on-1. 

We were so out of the swing of things that when we started we were trying to figure out who should go first and we suggested alphabetical, but then we couldn't decide if it should be based on last name or first name, and then we couldn't decide if I should have to use my first name instead of my default middle name.  Then it dawned on us that the way to settle all such disputes in wiffle is to hit balls and let the longest ball go first. 

So Verlan started things off at the plate and I started at the mound.  The wind was blowing pretty strong out to center field and the short grass and only 2 fielders indicated that this would be a good day for hitters.  This was quickly confirmed when Verlan hit a leadoff homer.  His next at bat was not quite as successful in offensive production terms but much more successful in wiffle terms.  He hit a liner right at Paul who was playing in left field.  Paul squatted down to grab it with both hands but his shorts ripped all the way from about the right hamstring to the top of his right buttock.  He dropped the ball (he claims he would have definitely had it if not for the distracting shorts rip) and then we all cracked up for a good minute or two.

First the squat

Then the tear

At the end of 1 inning the score was Verlan (6), Pace (4), Paul (0).  It looked like Paul's slump (which started once he got married) was determined to continue.

Verlan put up a 3-spot in the top of the 2nd but then I had a slugfest in the middle of the inning. I started it off with some dinky singles, which lured Verlan to play me a little closer and then I hit a couple over his head for homers. Then things got a little wacky with what seemed like maybe 6 consecutive hits that all just barely escaped Verl’s clutches. It all ended with an 11-run inning for me thanks in part to a Knoblauckian fielding performance by Verlan. And Paul got blanked a second time.

In the 3rd Verlan put up 6, I put up 4, and Paul put up 4 for a total score of 15-19-4.

In the 4th and final inning Verlan drove in 3, and I padded my lead over Paul by putting up a modest 2. But as everyone knows, a 17-run deficit is like a free throw in wiffle ball so I wasn't about to give in to Paul. Paul looked like he was going to make a serious run but then he had a couple pop-ups and ended at a total score of 10.

Game Highlights:

• A mother and a bunch of school kids walked by us and stared at Paul’s ripped shorts.  We determined that hitting one of them with a ball in play would count as a 2x homer.
• For the first time ever we ate Salvadoranean pupusas as our postgame fare.  We ordered 3 then 2 more then 1 more and took it to go.  In the end they only gave us 4 but charged us for 6.
• Paul had a homerun-distance bat toss in the 2nd inning.
• We used ‘Jockey’ briefs from Paul’s high school days as the home plate.  

Game Report by Pace Barker

Profile: Matt "the Dorf Dorf Dorf Dorf" Dorfman

Next in the series of profiles is Matt "the Dorf Dorf Dorf Dorf" Dorfman. A later addition to the wiffle world, Matt brought with him an impressive presence both on and off the field. In an attempt to craft the best responses to the weekly wiffle ball emails, Matt dedicated his academic career at BYU to writing. On the field he was a skilled outfielder, bad shortstop, good hitter, and most importantly a wonderful person.
Name:
Dorf “the Dorf” Dorf Dorf Dorfman (et al.)

Favorite Position on the Field:
"Anywhere not named “infield”"

Wiffle Ball Strengths:
Comedic defensive failings. Swinging at every pitch.

Wiffle ball/personal weaknesses:
Comedic defensive failings. Swinging at every pitch.
Also waking up on time.

Best Career Moment:
"Des has alluded in the past to a line drive that caromed off my forehead. That might be my apex in the league’s eyes, but I’m hoping it’s not the moment by which my legacy is defined. I might say the time I hit for the cycle when Dan was pitching, but everybody hit for the cycle when Dan was pitching. Hmm. How about the time I quit wiffs for two weeks due to fielding incompetence but Verlan buoyed my spirits with a pep talk (full of Yiddish wisdom and humor) and I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and everyone admired my courage and I went on to become the offensive non-factor and defensive liability that I am today."

Memorable Awards Received:
"I can’t find my awards sheet and I have a terrible memory. But I got the ROY, thanks in part to the fact that the League looked the other way when Jeff (a non-ROY winner and bad influence) and I had attendance/punctuality problems."

Favorite Drink Choice and Hot Dog topping at RC Willey:
Coke; a second/third/fourth Hot Dog.

Who you disliked most in the league:
"Des. Wait, let me finish. Before you call me racist, let it be known that he was the guy that beaned me in the forehead with the line drive. Also, he
threw a bat at me once. Also, he always had to have his rap music blaring in his headphones in the dugout, and he had that way of obnoxiously twirling a hand towel around his head and shouting “Whoop, dey it is!” every dang time his teammates got on base."

Favorite Piece of wiffle ball folklore (or) favorite aspect of lambert memorial (or) favorite wiffle ball field landmark:
"My favorite piece of wifflelore was when Dave dove into the sticker bushes. I wasn’t technically there, but the accounts that have been described to me have been hysterical.
Typical wiffle ball outfit:
Gray sweatpants. For reasons unclear to me, but apparent to all others, my typical athletic outfit (jersey, Nike shorts) was classified by Pace as “pajamas,” a stigma from which I never quite recovered."(See picture to the right)

Where is He Now:
"Reaping the fruits of robust employment*, thanks to the marketable skills I attained through my difficult degree in Communications. Keep your nose in those books, friends. It pays off in the long run!"

Career Stats: (Click to Enlarge)


*Writing freelance articles about flushometers for about $3/hour

Profile: C. Jones

As one of the more statistically prolific members of the wiffle league, regular C. Jones will always have a special place on the mound and in the batter's box at Lambert Memorial. Besides athletic prowess, Chris had an amazing ability to remember the nuance rules that would help pad his stats.

Chris responded to Pop's request with the following statement:

“I would like to share a little about myself. I can be found in the upper left corner of the league photo. I am in my fourth/fifth year of wiffling and am currently in possession of a giant, gold wiffle ball as the reigning league MVP. Many would attribute the gaudy numbers I put up in the '07-'07 season to my infamous DRA (David Robinson arms); I, however, attribute them to my focus on . . . well, me. As much as I have enjoyed the camaraderie I have shared with all my fellow wifflers over the years, it really has always been about me. I come to Lambert Memorial each week with one objective--put up big numbers. Filling the stat sheet is what it is all about. It's not about tradition, the quirky Lambert Memorial landmarks, the post-wiffle dogs, or even reciting insanely clever wiffle poems at wiffle banquets; it's all about getting ribbies and hitting dongs! So if you wanna know about me, know this--I love dongs!”

Career Stats: (Click to Enlarge)