Profile: C. Jones

As one of the more statistically prolific members of the wiffle league, regular C. Jones will always have a special place on the mound and in the batter's box at Lambert Memorial. Besides athletic prowess, Chris had an amazing ability to remember the nuance rules that would help pad his stats.

Chris responded to Pop's request with the following statement:

“I would like to share a little about myself. I can be found in the upper left corner of the league photo. I am in my fourth/fifth year of wiffling and am currently in possession of a giant, gold wiffle ball as the reigning league MVP. Many would attribute the gaudy numbers I put up in the '07-'07 season to my infamous DRA (David Robinson arms); I, however, attribute them to my focus on . . . well, me. As much as I have enjoyed the camaraderie I have shared with all my fellow wifflers over the years, it really has always been about me. I come to Lambert Memorial each week with one objective--put up big numbers. Filling the stat sheet is what it is all about. It's not about tradition, the quirky Lambert Memorial landmarks, the post-wiffle dogs, or even reciting insanely clever wiffle poems at wiffle banquets; it's all about getting ribbies and hitting dongs! So if you wanna know about me, know this--I love dongs!”

Career Stats: (Click to Enlarge)

Profile: Technology Todd

I have chosen to profile wiffler Todd "Technology Todd" R. first for a number of reasons. A seasoned veteran of the league, Todd R. could always be counted on to take a jab at the "ethnics" of the league and those who were struggling at the plate or in the field, which earned him renown as the most controversial player in all of wiffle history. As a related note, I recently received an email where Mr. Radical confessed that the controversial way he lives his life coupled with his love for soon-to-be canceled television programs have capped his number of total friends at four.

Name:
Todd R.

Favorite Position on the Field:
The non-snowy patches of grass.

Wiffle Ball Strengths:
"Acrobatic entrance onto the field, prior to the game. No actual "in-game" talents."

Wiffle Ball/Personal Weakness:
"What doctors call a little bit of a weight problem."

Wiffle Career Highlight:
"I would like to say the diving catch or winning home run, but none come to mind. I think that photo-shopping a wiffle bat into Hunky Newcomer's (Allen G.) Ensign picture and putting together a Boyz II Men slide show for Paul's farewell banquet is where I added more value."

Memorable Awards:
"Something Verlan gave me, that was in reference to some historical figure that i was not familiar with, but was funny to the more pretentious and educated players in the league.

Most likely to appear on the cover of Wonderful World of Wiffle Technology: the only publication against the auto spell check of wiffle to waffle in all current versions of Microsoft Word."

RC Willey Order:
Hot Dog with Ketchup and Onions X 2, with a Diet Coke

Favorite Piece of Wiffle Ball Folklore (or) Favorite Aspect of Lambert Memorial:
"The history and timelessness of Lambert Memorial. I can remember lonely Saturday morning in my BYU dorm in 2001 while Paul would be off to play Wiffle at some place on campus I had never heard of. I have to admit, I was more intrigued by the free hot dots, but I have always yearned to be a part of something that was clearly bigger than I was, am or will ever be."

Typical Wiffle Ball Outfit:
"Mesh Speedo pants from the 2004 Olympic Games in Athens, due to their accentuating and enhancing effect on key areas of my body."

Where Is He Now:
Raleigh, NC taking advantage of the large cluster of fine educational institutions to study the origins of "sock baseball," to put to rest once and for all the true name of "sock baseball" (contentiously regarded as "baseball sock" by some).

Career Stats (click to view):

A New Beginning/Big-Inning

The Greatest Generation of Wifflers

In a March 21, 2008 wiffle ball email chain, legend John L. (Pops) sent out the following request in reaction to a portrait of the then current wiffle ball regulars, that was making its way across the internet:

"This is neat to see. I would like to know who each of these players are. I of course recognize the Barker and the Moyes, but am interested in the others. In fact, could each of them send an email to every address here and tell us about them. I don't want to feel completely severed from this young generations of wifflers, now that I am 11 years removed. Commissioner D Barker, can you make this happen?"

YES WE CAN.

18 months removed, Commissioner D. Barker is "makin' it happen." Over the next several weeks it is my intent to be a guest writer on this blog in order to give the heroes pictured to the left the recognition they deserve. I am honored to call each of these gentlemen a brother, and propose that they all be welcomed with open arms into the Gil Tyree Association of Retired Veterans.

November 27, 2008 - Game Recap

Crato, Pace, Des, Andrew, Mark, Brandon vs. Joe Friend, Jason, Trevor, Nathan, Charlie
WP: Pace
LP: Trevor
Score: 9-3
HR: Mark (1), Pace (1)

This was a surprisingly successful game considering the disappointing backdrop of the rained-out debut of the Everyone Memorial Wiffleball Field and the logistical complexities of a record-setting 5-on-6 matchup. Since it was too risky to play on the freshly laid winter grass at the Everyone Memorial, the ex-commissioners consulted and decided that we should play at the local church gym.

When we showed up to the gym, half of the court was occupied by a co-ed basketball game so the ex-commissioners' next move was to create a makeshift field in the church parking lot. This worked out pretty well (and by pretty well I mean lots of controversy, re-do's, and even an incident where the shortstop's (Charlie's) left ear was mashed against the pavement due to the pressure of the pitcher's (Trevor's) torso forcing its way onto the shortstop's head as they both dove to the same spot to try and recover a bobbled ball--fortunately the shortstop quickly got up--unfortunately, he was still in a daze and tumbled backwards several steps, unassisted, until he fell deep into a parking lot bush) for a couple of innings until it started to rain.

At that point, we retreated to the gym and by this time the co-eds had left and we picked up where we left off, now playing with the indoor rules. The key thing to remember about the indoor rules is that the 2nd overhang is a homerun, but the 1st overhang is either an out or a live ball to be batted at again by the batter off the first bounce; with penalty of an out for failing to hit it fair. A few people hit it into this 1st overhang, but no one more so than Des. He hit it a first time and then looked around in confusion while the ball bounced a second time, meaning he was out. When he hit the 1st overhang a second time, he very awarely swung at the ball off the bounce, but, hitting the same overhang in the same at bat, he actually had a second chance to hit it off the bounce, but, he hit it foul and we had to call him out. It was probably the highlight of the game if that gives you any idea of how much of a rocking good time we had.

Back at the house, I inquired of one of the rookies (Andrew) what he thought of the whole wiffle experience. He responded, "there's nothing wrong with it."

Game Highlights:

• Crato came in for relief in the 4th inning and showed us all that he still has something left in that cannon of his by racking up 6 consecutive punchouts.
  
• Joe Friend appears to have escaped the married man slump for the time being.

Game Report by Pace Barker

October 4, 2008 - Game Recap

Des and Pace vs. A-Man, Trevor, and Todd
WP: Des
LP: Trevor
Score: 11-9
HR: None

No Gil Tyrees officially came out of retirement for this Saturday noon game at Lambert Memorial in Provo, UT. This was just a charity game in which the losing team would have to make a contribution of an undisclosed amount to a charity of the winning team's choosing. Even knowing that this was to be a game for charity, Pops refused to come out and join the younger generation for unknown reasons--though I think we all know that John has always been a passionate non-philanthropist. We were, however, able to convince Todd to come and join by explaining that yard work is inappropriate on general conference Saturday because it's like a half-Sabbath and activities that are fully-inappropriate on the Sabbath (e.g. yard work) should not be permitted, but activities that are only half-inappropriate on the Sabbath (e.g. wiffleball, suntanning, watching movies) should be enjoyed.

It turned out to be raining pretty heavily all day and the field was soaked, but anyone who knows the essence of wiffle knows that there is no weather condition (except maybe a tornado) that should prevent a game from occurring. We started with no shortstop because Todd arrived late--though he did do an amazing run and slide when he got there. A-Man had some troubles with the popups in the early going--which may have been partly due to his current wiffle distraction: intramural reffing; but he was really sharp at the shortstop position making repeated head-first diving plays while always clasping the rolling ball with both hands; even in foul territory.

Pace & Des jumped out to an early lead and things remained relatively quiet through the middle innings for both teams; a run here and there, but never too much damage. In the top of the 5th, Pace & Des really got it going hitting three straight triples and several doubles in there as well. They were able to balloon their lead up to something like 11-2. Then in the bottom of the 5th, Des got a little lackadaisical and began to throw some meat to the other team. Trevor, A-Man and Todd started wacking away, and with Todd's ability to draw walks with his discerning eye, they began to mount a comeback. Pace was called in for relief and thanks to a fresh arm, and some good defense, they were able to hang on the "W". Then we all headed over to J-Dawgs for some non-free, delicious hot dogs.

Game Highlights:

• Des's fisherman shirt began to chafe around the 4th inning when he ferociously ripped it off and threw it from the mound to the backstop (the traditional path of most shed layers). Looking back on it, it appears that his pitching became substantially less effective as soon as he became a topless pitcher; though it did seem to make him a much better outfielder.
  
• We had several outs called on account of foul balls that went over the high tennis court fence (whenever the gate is locked in times of inclement weather, foul balls over the high fence are deemed outs). After the game was over, and there were 4 balls left to retrieve, we voted for A-Man to spider-man the 10-foot+ wall and throw the balls back over. After throwing the balls back, on his way back over, he went to scale the fence at a panel close to the entrance, and was surprised to see that the gate was unlocked. We heard him laugh around the corner and knew what it must have meant.
• The current wiffle generation has devised a backstop made of large sheets of plywood that is meant to stop balls from ricocheting over the low fence. It's effectiveness is still in question, but it does keep things from getting wet when it's raining.
  

Game Report by Pace Barker